Cathexis — what you thought was love.

What does “love” mean to you?

Upon reading bell hook’s revolutionary manifesto of love (appropriately titled All About Love), one term/concept that struck me the most was Cathexis.

p.s. Yes, bell hooks’ name is not capitalised because she wanted her ideas to take precedence over her name.

In chapter 1, she argues for the importance of giving clear definitions to love. hooks briefly mentions cathexis.

“When we feel deeply drawn to someone, we cathect them; that is, we invest feelings or emotion in them. That process of investment wherein a loved one becomes important to us is called "cathexis." (hooks, 1999)

This struck me as an epiphany — I felt that the term captured the essence of a feeling or a state of mind that I could not give words to previously.

In my vocabulary, there had always been only two ways to describe the state of having good feelings towards others — liking and loving.

Like: Friends and people I could enjoy spending time with

Love: Family and close friends

Cathect: Those in between?

Reading more into it though, the definition of the term becomes muddy.

“We all know how often individuals of cathecting insist that they love the other person even if they are hurting or neglecting them. Since their feeling is that of cathexis, they insist that what they feel is love.” (hooks, 1999)

Is cathexis then, a warped and malformed projection of love?

hooks finishes off the chapter by defining love as “the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”, and argues that love is better practised as an action and cannot coexist with abuse.

She doesn’t use the term cathexis much after this chapter, though concepts adjacent to it do emerge later on.

Obsessed, I wanted to dive deeper and explore the nuances that this ancient-sounding word could entail. What is cathexis, and how does it manifest in our lives?

The Definition of Cathexis

Turns out, some meanings do lie beyond the scopes of a simple google search.

Defined by Oxford Languages, cathexis is “the concentration of mental energy on one particular person, idea, or object (especially to an unhealthy degree).”

Cathexis as defined by Oxford Languages

Simple and straightforward, right?

Given that I encountered this term within the context of the discussion of love, though, I feel that something was missing in this definition.

To me, this definition resembled obsession rather than the giving of misplaced and malformed love from which I had initially derived from the book.

Throughout the book and this chapter, hooks cited extensively from M. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Travelled, in which the late psychologist defined cathexis and its differences with love in greater detail.

So I dug deeper and researched Peck's perspective!

Peck’s Cathexis

The Road Less Travelled is Peck’s magnum opus in which he explores and argues for the attributes of spiritually fulfilled people.

There’s a section in the book that discusses love, its many misconceptions and twisted manifestations — one of them being of cathexis. Peck states:

“The feeling of love is the emotion that accompanies the experience of cathecting. Cathecting...is the process by which an object becomes important to us. Once cathected, the object, commonly referred to as a ‘love object,’ is invested with our energy as if it were a part of ourselves, and this relationship between us and the invested object is called a cathexis.” (Peck, 1978)

With this excerpt, we can derive the following definitions of cathexis.

Cathecting: The process in which something or someone becomes important to us, and the process in which it becomes our “love object”.

Cathexis: Our (obsessive) relationship in which we feel as though the “love object” were a part of us.

Peck’s definition gives the term more dimension — differing from obsession, cathexis describes the intense bond we feel towards “love objects” and is more so discussed within the context of love.

To cathect, then, means to fixate and invest mental energy towards the “love object” and attaching yourself to the idea of the object.

---intermission---

Okay, let’s take a bit of a break.

It’s fair to feel confused at this point, as I am too at the time of writing. What on earth is a “love object”, and what is the point of knowing this?

Discussing cathexis in a vacuum makes the already abstract term/concept seem almost unfathomable.

It seems, then, that cathexis would be better understood in context.

Reference: letstalklovetoday

Cathexis in Context

In his book, Peck utilises a handful of real-life examples to illustrate cathexis. These examples can generally be divided into:

1. Cathexis towards inanimate objects and

2. Cathexis towards human beings.

Below are a few examples, from the book and from other sources, of how cathexis can manifest in real life.

Cathexis Towards Objects

The Case of the Tycoon

Emma is a self-made tycoon who works sixty hours a week to become as wealthy as she is today. However, she’s also a selfish and stubborn person who treats those around her poorly.

We may say that Emma loves money and power, but we wouldn’t say that she’s a loving person.

Money is Emma's “love-object” — she spends most of her time focused and driven to make more of it, but this pursuit of money is not self-enlarging at all.

The pursuit of wealth makes Emma richer but it does not allow her to grow as a person. To her, the love for making money is an end in itself rather than something that fosters growth and self-improvement.

The Case of the Therapist

In a refreshing twist, here’s an example of someone who works to love genuinely instead of cathecting.

Tim is a busy therapist by day and a passionate researcher by night. He believes that his work as both therapist and researcher benefits the lives of others.

Despite working long hours during the day, Tim tirelessly works on his research for an hour or two every night in hopes of getting it published.

He does not, though, pull all-nighters to work on his publication as it would impede his work as a therapist and affect his patients. If he were ill-prepared for the day, he wouldn’t be able to help his patients to grow as much as he could.

Conversely, if Tim had cathected onto his work with his patients, he would’ve neglected his research. He doesn’t, because he has genuine love for both his works and for those it benefits.

Cathexis Towards Other People

The Case of War Brides

During the World Wars, many American soldiers had foreign war brides whom they couldn’t verbally communicate with.

As the wives learnt English, though, they were able to communicate their own ideas and thoughts. The soldiers realised that their projections did not align with the reality of who their wives were, and this ceased “love” between many of these marriages.

There is no doubt that there was a feeling of love that occurred when the two met, I mean, that’s probably why they married. But that "love" (cathexis) was solely based on a fixed or partial image of someone.

By no means an accurate depiction of events, but a parody of what could have happened.

Similarly, we often have crushes on people based on a partial understanding combined with our own projection of the person. When we get to know them more though, this feeling usually ceases for many of us.

Cathexis is fixating on and "loving" a still image of somebody rather than for who they truly are — but unlike objects, humans change and grow all the time!

The difference between a relationship built upon feelings and cathexis rather than one upon love is that once a given image of somebody is shattered, cathexis will cease but love will persist.

True, genuine love is an active commitment to love someone and support their growth as an individual.

The Case of the Tiger Parent

Here’s a phenomenon that we’re more familiar with — the tiger parent who does everything in their power to set their children up for success by micromanaging their lives.

There’s no parent in the world who doesn’t love their child, and tiger parents probably believe that they have their child’s best interests in mind.

Yet to the bystander we wouldn’t really call this love, would we?

Again, when applying hooks and Peck’s definition of love — the will to nurture someone's spiritual (holistic) growth — we can say that this is a cathexis and not genuine love.

The parent has the image of the perfect child and nurtures them in a way that aligns with their vision, but not anything beyond or contradicting that. The will of the child is neglected and their desires dismissed.

The child is the parent’s love object: they cathect and care for them, yet don’t want them to grow as a person. This, in turn, fosters a pattern of unhealthy dependence as the child are not able to grow and become self-determining individuals.

Reference: Andrew-Tha

Cathexis vs Genuine Love

In the process of pinpointing the definition of cathexis, I’ve also pointed out what genuine love is (and is not).

hooks and Peck both define love as “the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”.

Spiritual growth in this context refers to the holistic growth of a person (e.g. emotionally, socially, intellectually), along with enhancing a person's capacity to become self-actualised and fulfilled.

While discussing the feeling of love, Peck furthers that while cathexis can coexist and sometimes be a gateway to love, it is possible to love without cathexis.

• In the case of the tycoon, she can practise genuine love by treating others in a more loving manner while shifting or aligning her pursuit of money to self-enlarging goals.

• In the case of war brides, the practice of genuine love can come from both spouses supporting each other's growth through mutual understandings and loving actions.

• In the case of the tiger parent, genuine love can be achieved by detaching the image of the perfect child from their children, and raising them to grow and shine as individuals.

The key distinction of genuine love against all other malformation of love is will. “Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional.” Whereas cathexis may come across as a feeling that we cannot control, love is a conscious decision.

What Does Cathexis Mean, Then?

Finally, we're here — thanks for sticking with me on this journey.

With the support of context and real-life scenarios, here’s my final interpretation of the term cathexis.

Cathexis can be fixation on things and people in a way that is not self-enlarging and does not lead to growth.

Cathexis can be the experience of "falling in love" on your own projection of somebody, then getting to know them better, and "falling out of love” with them afterwards because the commitment to love isn’t present.

Cathexis can also be caring but neglecting: giving and caring for someone in a controlling manner while disregarding their will in order to mould them into your image.

Last and certainly not least, to cathect is to fixate and attach onto objects or people in a way that doesn’t create conditions for holistic personal growth.

Final Words

So much of the discussions about love are hindered by semantics. There never seems to be a term or concept that accurately capture all the nuances that exist within the human experience of love.

In writing this article, I have attempted to deconstruct the definitions of cathexis while also creating meaning for the term in accordance to the context in which it was used in as well as my own understanding of the term from such context.

Point being, the definition of cathexis I have landed on may not be completely accurate or completely align with your understanding of the term.

Nevertheless, this was meaningful exercise for me to take a step back and assess the language we live our lives through; how it impacts the way we perceive the world and others.

We use the word love too often in our lives when we are describing cathexes or other malformations of love. How can we lead lives of love when we are constantly jumbling its definition?

Love is as love does; we must differentiate the feelings of love from genuine love in order to give and receive the love we desire so much.

References:

Chhabria, A. (2016, November 1). Cathexis V/S love. Let's talk love today. Retrieved June 29, 2022, from https://letstalklovetoday.wordpress.com/2016/11/01/cathexis-vs-love/

hooks, bell. (1999). Clarity: Give Love Words. In All about love: New visions (pp. 3–14). essay, William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.

Peck, M. Scott. (1978). The Road Less Travelled (Classic Edition) (p. 114-132). Ebury Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Tha, A. (2014, February 12). Cathexis and Love. Development, Emotional and Otherwise. Retrieved June 29, 2022, from https://andrew-tha.tumblr.com/post/76395667829/cathexis-and-love

Special thanks to

• Jodie for inspiring to go on the journey to discover cathexis

• Charlotte for helping me get my ideas sorted

• Others who were so kind of give my draft a read